Wow! At this point, is anybody not surprised that Sony is still churning out these movies? Seriously, with the exception of Venom - and I know I'm on an island here - does anyone actually enjoy this live action Web-Head-light Spider-Verse? Anyway, it may surprise you to learn that I am very glad I waited for Madame Web to arrive on Sky Cinema before watching it, because I essentially got to watch it for free. Sony, on the other hand, feel differently, describing the movie as a "suspense driven thriller", the problem is it lacks any form of suspense, or drive, and is therefore incapable of thrilling anything. Despite having some awareness of this going in, I had to see it with my own eyes. There is no denying that this is one of those movies you can't fully appreciate until you've seen it for yourself.
All of which makes me wonder what movie these people signed up to make, because it can't have been this one! There is nothing enjoyable to find here. The plot is ridiculous, not to mention paper thin. Even the look of the film feels pretty uninspired, with the 2003 setting only serving as a reminder that it was a shitty year for music. Most of the characters are unlikeable, and none of them are in any way interesting. Dakota Johnson looks bored, to say the least. Her performance lacks any kind of verve, or even effort. Leaving the titular hero unpalatable both as a paramedic and an up and coming superhero, or even as a human being. So much so that it's a wonder any of Cassie's colleagues want to work with her, let alone hang out with her on their days off. This includes Ben Parker, whose presence is inexplicable beyond a tenuous link to the one character who is unlikely to appear in this Sony Spider-Verse.
As for the villain. Mr Sims, spends the entire movie moaning about the three teenagers he's determined to kill, going on and on about them threatening everything he has built. The problem is we never get any idea of exactly what it is that he has built since sabotaging a spider hunting expedition to the Amazon rainforest back in the 1970's. What we do know is that he's inexplicably wealthy and a dick to his one and only employee. He is often seen running around either barefoot or in a knock-off Spider-Man outfit, and has spider-like abilities, but doesn't use them very much. It probably doesn't help that most of his action scenes turn out to be one of Cassie's visions, after which we return to the present and Cassie runs him over - her signature move, it would seem. Not that it matters because Tahar Rahim never gets the opportunity to do anything with the character, beyond being mean, that is.
Madame Web can't even make up for the dull characters and paper thin story with the kind of action-packed mayhem you'd expect of a chase movie. In fact, there isn't much in the way of action to speak of, and what little there is suffers from a distinct lack of tension and some pretty low grade CGI. At no point throughout the movie do the three girls get their spider-powers, they’re merely glimpsed in full spider-garb during Ezekiel's vision. So for the most part it's a lot of running away, usually followed by some quick rewinding because we're actually seeing one of Cassie's visions. As previously stated, Cassie does favour running her enemies over with whatever vehicle she has at her disposal, so there is some occasional chaotic driving, but it never really feels like the gang are in peril. Although, even when she’s not trying to run someone over, Cassie’s driving style is questionable.
Another painful misfire in Sony's live action Spider-Verse.
0.5/10
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