Inspired by the arrival of Family Guy's take on the infamous Hallmark Christmas movie, I thought I'd do what everybody else has already done; rank all of the show's Christmas episodes.
Back in the day I was quite an avid viewer of this crazy cartoon. Somewhere around that last Star Wars episode (It's a Trap!), however, something changed. That comedic edge was somehow lost. Maybe the show had simply peaked. Who knows? But from that point on, Family Guy no longer seemed as clever, or funny.
That said, on the odd occasion the Griffins have been known to bring a little festive cheer to their mad world. So, in the spirit of the holiday, I decided to watch all the Christmas episodes to see which ones are the most festive.
It's December. Every day is dark and cold! What else was I going to do?
︌13
The Return of the King (of Queens)
We begin with an episode that isn't particularly festive. In fact, this could easily have not been a Christmas episode. While it does mark a cultural shift, saving network TV, and Kevin James - who isn't actually voiced by Kevin James - from vanishing into the ether doesn't really fill you with holiday spirit. Even when you do it at Christmas. The same could be said of Stewie and Brian's attempt to start their own sitcom.
Unfortunately, The Return of the King (of Queens) isn't all that funny either. Including the repeating Braveheart joke. This episode actually marks a real low for the show, in general. So bad, in fact, that it actually bumped the episode I was convinced would come in last, up a notch.
12
The 2000-Year-Old Virgin
Which brings us to another not so funny or festive episode. You'd figure that an episode revolving around Jesus' birthday would feel a little bit Christmassy, but alas. The episode does at least have a few good laughs, mostly revolving around Peter's attempts to stop Mr Christ, which is the only thing that saved it from coming dead last.
That said, there is one thing that sets The 2000-Year-Old Virgin apart from other episodes. It is, without a doubt, one of Family Guy's more controversial episodes. In fact, I'm sure a few people are not happy with how the son of God is portrayed here. On the bright side, I doubt they fall within the show's target audience.
11
Christmas is Coming
Merry Christmas to Meg and her Moana. I swear we're going to find a festive Christmas episode eventually. Although the Die Hard Christmas carol is pretty cool. Finally an ode to the greatest Christmas movie ever made.
But why does Santa look scary to Stewie? The kid who once tried to kill the jolly old fat guy, and wound up saving both him and the holiday, is now afraid of Santa. This doesn't really make sense. Unless it's just *the* Santa he's not afraid of. Either way, Santa has to deal with the Griffins a lot.
Other than a few good mall puns and the return of Holden Caulfield - the guy who calls everyone and everything a "phony" - this rather risqué episode in which Meg has a special moment with Santa's knee proves rather forgettable. Then again, it is a 'Meg' episode.
10
Christmas Guy
I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas. I will admit that. But I haven't reached the level where I want to pull a Father Christmas on Santa during the off season. Still, it's not the weirdest visit with Santa that TV has ever seen.
Anyway, back in 2013 getting Brian back was our Christmas present from Family Guy. Which might be the perfect gift, if it weren't from the same people who killed him. Although it's probably a good thing, given how evil Stewie is without him. The strange thing is, it almost feels anticlimactic.
And if all that doesn't make you feel festive, the Christmas movie we all want; 'Home Alone with Competent Robbers' just might. Well, that and Peter's attempts to put the Christmas spirit back in Carter. That is, if it doesn't make you laugh/vomit first.
9
How the Griffin Stole Christmas
Maybe I've been ruined by Bad Santa and Family Guy, but I was actually expecting more from this one. The idea of Peter getting drunk on Christmas power is rather hilarious, and his antics certainly deliver. But I also thought the whole thing seemed a little tame. After the Griffin family sledding trip, anyway.
This tame approach also applies to the subplot that sees Brian and Stewie crashing office parties. It's funny to start with, but Stewie's accidental employment proves a little underwhelming. Although it does all pick up a little at the end when both Stewie and Santa show they aren't the people to be messed with.
8
Gift of the White Guy
What the hell is a 'White Elephant'? I had to look that up when I watched this episode, as I genuinely didn't know this was a thing. Anyway, Peter's usual antics apply as he once again gets himself in trouble with Lois. And nothing says Christmas like trying to steal a brooch from an old lady.
Gift of the White Guy is certainly funny, but it's also indicative of the show's decline. It's fun to watch the guys pull off the easiest heist ever, and on what looks to be the world's most secure nursing home. Stewie's attempts to get off the naughty list are also amusing, even though he did something similar when he was trying to avoid Hell. And there's a nice yet typically Family Guy tribute to Carrie Fisher. But many of these moments fail to reach the levels of hilarity the show once enjoyed.
The big take-away here, however, is that badges should be outlawed. Clearly they are a menace. How's that for a 'Merry Christmas' message?
7
Christmas Crime
Who wants to find a Happy Asking Panda under their Christmas tree? Come on, those glowing red eyes are so incredibly festive!
This was an episode that I had high hopes for, but it didn't quite deliver. And not just because Peter already committed this crime in another Christmassy episode, in a much more amusing fashion. However, it is a perfect episode for those who aren't exactly enamoured with Christmas. While Sam Elliott is silky smooth yet delightfully gruff as Mayor Wild West. His back and forth with Brian is hysterical. But I was hoping for more of a protracted game of cat and mouse between the two of them.
That said, it does end with a hilarious Grinch reference.
6
Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's Familiar/Unoriginal Holiday Movie
Finally, a Hallmark movie that's actually watchable! Yes, you know it's Christmas when reams of generic but snowy daytime TV movies appear on our screens.
Watching the gang make a mockery of one of the tackiest traditions is a surprisingly hilarious way to get into the spirit of the season. Especially as they attempt to somehow make it appealing to all Americans - never an easy task.
It is a shame, however, that this Christmas special is so short. Surely Christmas justifies a longer runtime. That way we're not left with a holiday special that feels like it’s rushing from one gag to another as they attempt to mock absolutely every aspect of a Hallmark movie.
But even with all the rushing, and mere cameos for many of the main characters, it’s still the best Hallmark movie I’ve ever seen!
5
Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas
If you’re going to have your own Ebenezer Scrooge/Christmas Carol experience, who better to lead you through it than the spirit of Patrick Swayze? And he doesn’t mess around when it comes to Christmas spirit!
It’s an adventure in keeping with Dickens classic tale, just with a super-cool spirit who has a mullet, and jeans so tight his scrotum is pressed up against his stomach. Which could even be more fun than hanging out with the original trio. Not a mullet between them! Then there’s the opportunity to check out what Christmas is like in Opie and Ollie Williams’ houses. Who else are you going to turn to in order to show the true meaning of the season?
There's actually some real heart to Don't Be a Dickens, with more than a splash of Christmas spirit, as well. Not only is it Carrie Fisher's last voice appearance, the spirit of Patrick Swayze is voiced by his brother, Don. A spirit, it would appear, we should listen to. Because if we don't, our families may fall victim to the same Christmas fate as the Griffins. One involving a very short robe.
4
The First No L
It's time to talk about the true spirit of the holiday; "FFS! I've got to do all that shit again!" Well that's how Lois feels, when faced with single-handedly making Christmas happen yet again. Obviously this is all handled in a very Family Guy way, but it feels like the people behind this episode are trying to say a genuine thank you to all the mums - and others - who go out of their way to make sure their families have a merry Christmas each year.
Naturally the Griffin clan's indifference to all that she does inspires an extreme reaction in Lois. Seeing her go full on Grinch is rather hilarious. Especially with the music to match. Making this one of the funniest Christmas episodes by some margin. Even if it does overstay its welcome with the Bloofus & Klunt jokes. Still, it's impressive, given how much the show has declined in recent years. And all of those Seussian antics culminate in a perfect meeting between Grinchy Lois and Cindy Lou Stew... "Maybe we both forget what we saw."
3
Jesus, Mary & Joseph
I wonder how long the writers have been waiting to mess with Cherry Chevapravatdumrong's Co-Executive Producer credit?
Anyway, Family Guy does the Nativity... what could possibly go wrong? Apart from offending a large portion of the world's population, that is. It’s an episode that takes you back to that other FG skit about the birth of Jesus; the one that shows Joseph outside his bedroom on his wedding night, while God is in there with Mary.
Along with applying their usual sense of humour to this 2000-year-old story, the FG crew bring some brutal honesty - something that's also applied to A Christmas Carol. They essentially wipe away some of the shine, meaning the whole thing seems a lot less magical, and it's funnier than the version you remember being a part of in school. Although much like those school productions, Meg is playing the donkey.
As is tradition with Family Guy, nothing is off limits. Not Cher, not the dinosaurs (because they were obviously still around), not Brian's atheism (despite having met Jesus), not even the - shall we say - questionable nature of the story. They also get a nice jab in there at the supposed wise men. The ones who followed a star - or possibly some other light in the sky - and are the subject of two contradicting statements.
Despite a crude approach, however, there are some festive messages to this telling of the Nativity story. First; don't drink during pregnancy. Especially when you're carrying the son of God - things will not go well. Second; it's been 2000 or so years since Jesus was born, and as is demonstrated by that ending, the human race hasn’t changed all that much.
2
A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
Right. It’s time to go back to the first ever Family Guy Christmas episode. Not only is A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas one of the funniest festive episodes, it’s easily one of the show’s best.
It perfectly captures both the spirit of the season, and the experience of delivering it. Everything from buying presents, to cooking the turkey, putting up the tree, Christmas jumpers, heavy drinking, and doing anything on Christmas Eve. All of which can be good fun, but there can also be a lot of pressure to deliver it all. Something Lois demonstrates beautifully. While Peter and Joe give a hilarious but helpful lesson in how to deal with the fireworks, should everything descend into chaos.
Standout scenes include... well, the whole thing, really. The entire episode is pure comedy gold, and even after many viewings (two of which were for this very ranking), it never fails to get a laugh. But if I did have to pick a few favourites, there's Stewie's monologue during the pageant, all the drunken shenanigans, Peter's chase through the mall, and any scene involving Joe.
And just when you think the only goal was to mock the whole Christmas experience, they hit you with that charming festive message, and a heavily tranked Lois.
1
Road to the North Pole
Towards the end this became a close race! A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas could have easily taken the top spot. That is, if it weren't for the fact that with their second Christmas episode the folks at Family Guy pulled out all the stops.
Road to the North Pole is a Christmas adventure for the ages! One with two classic songs, another surprisingly delightful message about the spirit of the season, and the perfect narrator in Seth MacFarlane's Dad. It also proves that for a Christmas episode, extending the runtime or making the story a two episode affair, works - yes, I'm talking about Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's Familiar/Unoriginal Holiday Movie, again. And the 'Too Rude for TV' version of Road to the North Pole is even better!
This is peak Family Guy, and one of the best 'Road to...' episodes. How we get there, as well as the events that spark this journey, are all great fun. After which it becomes a hilarious exploration of the myth of Santa Claus, and the sheer impracticality of it. Definitely don't let your kids see this one! Brian's hesitation to tell Stewie the truth is not only apt, it's rather relatable. But they manage to weave another heartfelt message into this shattering of festive hopes and dreams, ultimately restoring them.
And who better to save Christmas than Stewie and Brian? Two flawed and ill-equipped heroes. The speed in which their attempts to take on the role of Santa go south, is somehow astounding, and not. In fact, if this wasn't Family Guy we're talking about, their "home invasion" would actually be rather horrifying. I also feel sorry for the cops who find those feral reindeer stuck in that tree.
Which brings us to the end of this Family Guy Christmas ranking. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. If not, well you won't notice this, so who cares? Anyway, after all this festive Family Guy fun, and in the spirit of the season, I'll leave you with this quote from Road to the North Pole...
Isn't Christmas magical?
What are your favourite Family Guy Christmas episodes? Leave a comment below or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Threads. You can also email us at moviemoustache@gmail.com.
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